


Who the heck do you think you are, Pingu?

by MaatKaReHatshepsut



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: ...Penguins?, M/M, Past Rachel Edwards/Danny "Danno" Williams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:29:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21690976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaatKaReHatshepsut/pseuds/MaatKaReHatshepsut
Summary: ~Steve and Danny, re-imagined as gay penguins.~Oh god, I have no idea why I wrote this. I was sleep-deprived. It's so weird, but I love it. Does that make me even stranger?Apologies if it's a bit choppy, and if the ending is awkward. A month after I wrote it, I went back to try and flesh it out, but the (slightly crazed) impetus had moved on. Anyone who wants to play with the idea, feel free.(Is Penguin!fic even a thing? Maybe it is, now.)Warning for gratuitous tweaking of penguin mating habits.Yes, I do know how penguin mating actually works.No, I do not need to be reminded over messaging.Dave Attenborough and I are old chums. Any misrepresentation of penguins and their habits should be taken as the inevitable result of attempting to anthropomorphise a bunch of flightless polar birds who are not usually prone to human-like behaviour. (Although, if you think the discrepancy here is the 'gay penguins' part… In Danny's accent: "... do I have some news for you, pal…")The title is what I imagine Penguin!Danny berates Steve the Penguin with at the end of the fic. :)
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 15
Kudos: 65





	Who the heck do you think you are, Pingu?

Steve looked around, sighed, and hunched into his shoulders to ward off the bitter cold.  
The landscape was bleak.  
For kilometres all around, there was nothing but snow-coated ice, which formed a temporary valley. In a few scant months, it would again be an enormous, iceberg-filled ocean.  
Well, the ocean would be full of three things, actually: icebergs, killer whales, and seals.

To recap: giant blocks of ice, predators, and more predators.

Steve decided his sister Mary, wherever she was now, had been right to call him crazy.  
Because, even with the predators, Steve definitely preferred summer to winter.

The reason for that was only a few metres away.

It was mating season, and Steve was gathered, with several hundred other penguins, in the same random spot to which members of his family had travelled for generations to find, and in subsequent years meet up with, their mates. For the more traditional penguins of Steve's colony, this remained the only time of the year they would see their husbands and wives.

Harrowing winter aside, this was the highlight of the year for most penguins. In the weeks leading up to the great trek across the ice, all any of Steve's friends had been able to talk about was how excited they were: some to see their mates again, and others just to have another child.

Steve, however, couldn't bring himself to get excited about mating season.  
Despite the fact that he was a very handsome specimen of Emperor Penguin, and had been sexually mature for years, Steve had never had a mate in his life.

Steve was the loneliest of creatures: a gay penguin.  
While the fact that he existed was enough to reassure him that there must be more gay penguins out there somewhere, he had never met another one.

Steve was terribly lonely.

Over the three mating seasons he had lived through, Steve had figured out a system. The fact of the matter was, when it came to mating, penguins were mostly very single-minded.  
The first week progressed in stages: first, everyone would trek to the plateau, second, mated couples would pair off, and singles would pair up, and then, finally, in the third early stage of mating, the couples would snuggle up together.

In stage one, everyone was waddling along in a line, and no-one had enough energy to talk about mating. Steve quite liked stage one- he could pretend he was on a group hike. Sometimes, he'd even run into an old friend, and have someone to walk with.

Stage three, when it came around, was fine as well. When everyone else was paired up, Steve could wriggle his way in between couples for warmth, and everyone was so preoccupied they didn't notice there was an unmated penguin among them.  
Steve found that lack of awareness a bit funny, actually, because he was a fair bit taller than most other penguins. He wasn't accustomed to blending in.  
And yet, in stage three, 'blend in' he did indeed.

But, before he got to stage three, and warm anonymity, Steve had to make it through stage two.

Stage two was, without exception, an unmitigated nightmare for Steve.  
On his first mating season, Steve had made the mistake of standing close to the other penguins during stage two, in the naive belief that, if he just kind of stood around instead of going looking for a mate, he would be fine.

As Steve discovered very quickly, that wasn't the case. 

Sometimes, Steve wondered if the universe was inherently cruel.  
Otherwise, why would he, apparently a tall, sleek, perfect specimen of male penguin-hood, be completely unattracted to all of the female penguins who wanted to mate with him?

In that first season, Steve had been propositioned by every unattached lady penguin in the herd.  
Most of them had been quite nice about it when he apologetically turned them away, probably believing that he was mourning a lost mate.  
One of the female penguins, a very handsome lady by the name of Catherine, hadn't been convinced, though. She'd followed poor Steve around for days- flattering, cajoling, and then finally, attempting to browbeat Steve into mating with her.

When another male penguin had finally, (finally) caught her eye, Steve had been so very relieved.

The next mating season, Steve had shuffled his way to the edge of the herd, tried to hide behind some couples, and thought he might wait stage two out in fair warmth.  
It had worked, mostly, but Steve had still found himself fending off a fair few proposals.

The year after that, Steve had decided he was going to skip the whole damn awkward thing. The moment the trek into the valley ended, Steve had shuffled away from the clump to huddle alone; cold, but unmolested.  
He'd picked the spot he stood in very carefully, because, if a snowstorm picked up, he had to be able to get back to the clump, but he also had to be far enough away that a randy lady penguin wouldn't spot him.

It was a hard balance to strike, but Steve had managed it, and, when stage three came along, and all the other stages after it, Steve had been able to return to the clump, and warm up.

Awkward food-gathering treks aside-  
"I'm gonna bring my girl back a herring! What about you, Steve?"  
"Uh… Yeah, Meka, I'm gonna try for a herring, too."  
\- Steve had made it through his third mating season alright.

Now, on his fourth, Steve found himself in the same position as this time last year- bent over, in the driving wind, several metres from an enormous clump of warm, happy birds.  
Over the previous year, Steve had forgotten how awful stage two was, for him.  
Now, he remembered.

Steve shuddered, hunching his head further down into his fluffy shoulders.  
"Just two more days", he muttered under his breath.  
He'd been saying that since sunrise, a couple of hours ago.

Unfortunately, when the sun set in a couple of hours' time, the single penguins would keep looking for mates for a few more hours.  
Steve was so cold. The tips of his feathers were stiff with ice.

Just as Steve was about to mutter his mantra again, there was a flurry of yelling from the centre-right area of the penguin clump.  
Someone was having a domestic.  
A bad one, too, by the sound of it.

Steve tried not to overhear, but the sheer volume of the exchange made it hard to tune out.

By the sound of it, a female was dumping her mate.

It happened very rarely, but it wasn't unheard of. While most penguins mated for life, there were some opportunistic types who would drop their old partner for a better specimen.

Steve supposed that happened in any species.

After another bout of yelling, the clump parted near Steve, and a very angry, unusually small male Emperor penguin fell out.  
The gap in the herd closed up almost immediately, to conserve warmth.

The little penguin picked himself up, shook off the powder which clung to his feathers, and started yelling again.

"Rachel, how could you do this?', he cried, 'What are we going to tell Gracie, huh? Are you going to be the one to break it to her that her parents are divorced?"

From deep within the clump, the clipped tones of a refined female voice rang out.  
"She's an adult. She'll cope."

The little penguin stared at the clump for a moment, slack-jawed.  
Eventually, he closed his beak with a snap, and shook himself out of his daze.

"'Grace'll cope', she says", he muttered to himself. The little penguin paused, shook his head again, then said, "Freaking hell. I should have known something was up when she said she wanted to change mating colonies. 'Change of scenery', my fuzzy ass."

The little penguin seemed distressed. Steve, though in self-imposed exile, was not the type to shy away from helping someone.

"Hey', Steve called, 'Are you alright?"

"What?', the little penguin said, looking around, 'Who said that?"

"I did', Steve said, 'Over here."

The little penguin finally spotted Steve, and waddled over with a scowl on his face.

"What are you doing over here?', he said, 'Are you crazy? Are you trying to freeze to death?"

"No', Steve replied, 'Just getting out of everyone's way."

"What?", the little penguin said.

"I'm staying out of everyone's way', Steve explained, patiently, 'Until the singles have all paired up."

"Oh", the little penguin said, looking confused and nonplussed.  
He shook his head, then said, "Wait a minute, why the heck would you do that?"

"It doesn't matter", Steve said.  
The other penguin looked like he had some thoughts on the subject, so Steve ploughed on.  
"Are you alright, man? I couldn't help but see what happened. That looked rough."

Thankfully, that was enough to distract the little penguin, at least for a moment.  
He hung his head, and sighed heavily.  
"Yeah', the little penguin sighed, 'That was pretty shitty."

Steve tentatively reached out, and patted the other penguin's shoulder consolingly with his flipper.

"I can see why she did it, though', the little penguin said, 'I mean, we had a good run with Grace two years ago, but last year's egg was a dud. You can't blame her for wondering if her runty mate might be the problem."

"That's not fair', Steve said, 'No-one knows why some eggs just don't hatch. If it was anyone's fault, it could just as easily have been hers."

The little penguin shook his head.  
"No', he said, 'No-one would ever think it was Rachel's fault."  
He looked up, to meet Steve's eye.  
"Rachel's gorgeous', the little penguin said, 'She's almost as good looking as you are."

Steve froze, stunned at the unexpected, very matter-of-fact compliment. He could feel his face heating, and his beak hanging slightly open in surprise.  
It was not an unpleasant sensation.

Steve was silent for too long; too flustered to speak.

After a few moments, the little penguin's eyes narrowed.  
"So', he said, pointedly, 'Why are you, the best-looking penguin I have ever seen, out here in the wilderness, and not in the nice warm huddle with a lady?"

Steve's brain got stuck on 'best-looking penguin I have ever seen'.  
"What?', Steve said, 'I'm not that good-looking."

The little penguin looked at Steve as though he thought Steve was insane.  
Then, he came out and said it.

"Jee-zus', the little penguin said, 'Is water not reflective, where you come from? Were you dropped on your head as an egg?"

Steve opened his beak to respond.  
The little penguin cut him off immediately.

"Oh no you don't, you big galoot', he huffed, coming up beside Steve to nudge him towards the clump, 'Whatever demented self-esteem issue you have, buddy, one of us is getting laid this season. And after that display earlier, it's not going to be me."

Steve couldn't help but burst out laughing.  
The little penguin stopped pushing him, and stared.

"Uh', the little penguin said, after watching Steve chuckle helplessly for a bit, 'Are you ok, there, buddy?"

"Sorry', Steve said, straightening up, 'It's just that, well, it's not going to be me, either."

The little penguin made an aborted flapping motion with his flippers.  
"What- Why-', the little penguin exhaled in a huff, then deflated, 'Why the heck not?"

Steve looked away from the little penguin's confused face, focussing on the ice beneath his feet.  
"I-", Steve sighed.  
"I don't like girls', he said, 'Not like that."

"Ohhh', the little penguin said, 'You're gay. Okay, I get it now."

Steve continued to stare at the patch of ice.  
He felt the air shift, and then the little penguin's flipper was resting on his shoulder.  
Steve looked up, warily.

The little penguin was frowning at him, but Steve thought he looked concerned rather than upset.

"You know-', the little penguin cleared his throat, 'You know that's ok, right?"

Steve stared.  
"What?", he said.

"It's ok", the little penguin repeated.

Steve's eyes widened. He swallowed.

The little penguin began to chatter nervously.  
"I mean', he said, 'I don't know what the deal is around here, but back home in Jersey, it's a fact of life, y'know? My sister has a wife, and they're really happy together, and everybody's happy for them."

Steve felt pole-axed. It was too much to take in all at once.

"Uh', the little penguin said, tilting his head to the side, 'Is it not like that around here?"

"I don't know', Steve replied sadly, 'I've never met someone like me."

The little penguin looked Steve up and down, and chuckled.  
"I've never met anyone like you, either."

Steve frowned.

"Not like that', the little penguin said, hurriedly, 'I just meant, y'know', he waved his flipper at Steve, 'The height, and the muscles, and the shiny feathers, and the big, pretty eyes. Not the gay-ness; the rest of you."

"Oh", Steve said, feeling suddenly bashful, and hopeful.  
"Ok. I think you're pretty good-looking, too."

The little penguin chuckled nervously.  
"Wow, Danny', he muttered, 'Way to make it awkward."

Steve perked up.  
"Your name is Danny?", he said.

"Yeah', Danny replied, smiling, 'It is. What do they call you?"

"Steve."

Danny chuckled.  
"Well, Steve', he said, 'It's lovely to meet you. However random a meeting it has been."

Steve hadn't felt so happy in years, but that wasn't the right thing to say in these circumstances.  
"I'm glad to have met you, too, Danny."

Danny smiled, and clapped Steve on the shoulder.  
"Alright, you big galoot', he said, 'It's freezing out here. Let's go get warm."

Steve hesitated.  
"The singles are still looking for mates", he said.

Danny pulled a put-upon face.  
"I was hoping it went without saying", he grumbled.

Steve tilted his head in confusion.

Danny sighed.  
"You know how I'm tiny, right?", he grumbled.

Steve nodded.

Danny glared at him.

Steve back-pedalled wildly.  
"I wouldn't say 'tiny'', he said, 'You're just not tall. Most penguins aren't very tall."

Danny snorted.  
"Sure thing, gigantor", he said. 

Steve noted that Danny did appear somewhat mollified, however.

"My point is', Danny said, 'That if I can manage to keep my beak shut'- Steve chuckled- 'Yeah, Yeah, laugh it up, Big Bird. I mean, if I don't talk, I can pass for a girl."

Steve was touched.  
"You'd do that for me?", he said.

Danny shifted from foot to foot nervously.  
"Well, yeah", he mumbled.

Steve broke out into a wide smile.

Danny looked up, did a double-take, and mumbled something that sounded like, "Geez, who turned on the sun?"

Steve leaned in, and rested his cheek against the top of Danny's head.  
"Thank you", he murmured.

Danny made a little startled squeak noise.  
"Well, y'know,' he stammered, 'It's not like being your mate's some great hardship- I mean, pretending to be, haha. Oops."

Steve looked at Danny, who was flailing his fins around as he spoke, and was completely unable to meet Steve's eye.  
"Danny', Steve said, softly, hopefully, 'Would you like to be my mate?"

Danny froze, looked up at Steve, and swallowed.  
"Yeah", he breathed.

Steve felt as though he'd caught the fattest fish in the sea, or out-raced the biggest killer whale in the world (So sue him, he had some weird hobbies).  
Steve waddled slowly towards Danny, leant in, and gently curved their necks together.

Danny made a happy noise, and pressed his cheek against Steve's jaw.  
"Wow, babe', Danny murmured, 'This is really nice."

" 'Babe'...?", Steve chuckled.

Danny pulled back just far enough to glare at him.  
"Hey, now', he said, 'Don't knock it. In Jersey, that's what we call the really good-looking birds."

Steve laughed.

"Seriously, Steven', Danny said, gesticulating with one fin, 'That's one hell of a compliment."

Steve smiled at Danny.  
"Am I anything like these Jersey Babes?", he asked, teasingly.

"Well now', Danny grumbled, 'Now you're just fishing for compliments, babe."

Steve laughed.  
"Well', he said, 'If the really good-looking birds are 'babes', I guess that makes you one, too."

Danny laughed.  
"You smooth bird", he said.

"It's true", Steve insisted.

Danny smiled.  
"You can call me whatever you like, babe", he said.

Steve made a show of thinking about it.  
"Hmmm', he said, 'Do you have a nickname, already?"

Danny hesitated.  
"Well…"

Steve leapt on it.  
"What is it?"

Danny opened his beak, froze, raised a flipper, then closed his beak in a huff.  
"Well' he sighed, 'If you must know, Grace calls me', -another sigh-, 'Danno."

Steve was delighted.  
"Danno it is", he crowed, affectionately rubbing his cheek over the top of Danny's head.

Danny sighed, but Steve noticed that the smile hadn't left his face.  
"Alright, you big dork', Danny said, 'Let's get you into the huddle before you turn into an enormous daffy icicle."

Steve happily followed Danny into the fluffy crush of penguins, just as the first touch of night began to push the weak rays of the arctic sun out of the sky.

As he pressed in close to Danny, Steve reflected that the previous three years of loneliness had been worth it, because they had led to this.

\--

The weeks that followed passed happily.

Steve, who spent most of his time tucked around Danny, discovered that he had been kidding himself every time he had tried to rationalise that having a mate couldn't be all that fantastic.

Steve was over the moon. Head over heels in love.

Steve and Danny talked about everything: Steve learnt all there was to know about Danny, his three siblings, his late sainted parents, and his pride and joy, the newly- married Grace.

In turn, Steve opened up to Danny about his parents' sudden deaths, and how his little sister Mary had moved away afterward.

One warm-ish day, Steve and Danny were waddling around the edge of the huddle together, when Steve saw something sitting on the ground.

To a backing-track of Danny's confused protests, Steve ran over to the thing in the snow, and then gasped in horror.

Near panic, Steve hurriedly rolled the egg along the ground with his beak, then stuffed it up between his feet and his fluffy underbelly.

Steve huffed with relief when he realised the egg was still, barely, warm enough.  
He looked around; there was no-one nearby.  
Whose egg was this?

Danny's stumpy legs finally brought him level with Steve.  
"Where's the leopard seal, babe?", he puffed, out of breath.

"No seal', Steve said, 'I'll show you in a moment."

When the egg was warm enough, Steve lifted his belly fluff apron just high enough to reveal the egg.

"Oh wow', Danny said, 'That doesn't happen very often."

Steve raised an eyebrow.  
"I didn't lay it myself, Danny."

Danny gave Steve his patented 'You're an Idiot' face. It was a face with which Steve was already well-acquainted.  
"I am aware of that, Steven', Danny said, 'I was referring to the fact that this egg has been abandoned."

Steve frowned.  
"Are you sure? It could have been dropped by accident."

"Watch this", Danny said.  
He turned to the huddle.  
"Anybody missing an egg?", Danny hollered.

There was deafening silence.  
Danny gave Steve a pointed look.

Steve grinned.  
"Well, Danny', he said, 'It looks like we just became parents."

Danny's eyes widened in shock, then he smiled, soft and full of wonder.  
"Wow, babe', he said, quietly and reverently, 'I guess so."

\--

To the absolute lack-of-surprise of Steve, Danny proved to be a wonderful parent.

When the first expedition of penguins left the colony to gather food, Steve went with them. His reasoning was that it was better for him to go earlier in the winter, when there were more fish in the waters, because he was faster and stronger and larger, and could catch and carry more back to Danny.

While it was true that Steve made the most of the greater bounty on his gathering trip, as it turned out, Steve and Danny suffered no leaner period that winter.

Danny, in the later food-catching expedition, outdid just about every other bird, and came back to Steve stuffed full of fish, just in time to supply their newly-hatched little one with a sumptuous first meal.

After Danny had brought up some of his catch for the baby and Steve, Steve carefully transferred their hatchling to his other father's feet.

Danny curled around the baby, and smiled.

"He's beautiful, Steve', Danny said, 'What's his name?"

Steve smiled.  
"He doesn't have one, yet, Danno', Steve said, 'I was waiting for you."

"How about John?", Danny suggested, quietly.

Steve hesitated.  
Losing his father to exposure the year before was still a fresh wound.  
Especially because the loss had come only a week after his mother had been eaten by a seal, and all signs in John's death had pointed to suicide.

"No', Steve said, in a burst of inspiration, 'Let's name him after your Uncle Charles."

Before he left to go fishing, Danny had told Steve all about his mother's youngest brother, who had taught Danny and all of his siblings to slide on their bellies. Steve thought there were far worse things than naming your child after the family clown.

Danny laughed.  
"I should have known you'd feel kinship with that daffy old guy, you giant goober, you.", he said.

Danny shuffled closer to Steve, leaned down, and gently lifted his fluff an inch or so off his feet.

A pair of large doe eyes peered out at them.

"Yeah', Danny said, carefully tucking his fluff back over the baby, 'He looks like a daft old Charlie to me, too. He must take after you."

Steve laughed.

As the temperature began to drop, Steve and Danny joined the crush of fluffy bodies, and settled in for the night, with baby Charlie curled up on Danny's feet, and Danny's head tucked into Steve's neck.

\--

Six months later.

\--

"Woohoo!"

Steve leapt off the tip of the iceberg, barely managing to catch the edge of the slope on the way down. When he hit the upturn at the end, he leaned forward at the critical point, so that he flipped in the air, and landed beside Danny and Charlie with a spectacular splash.

Danny, startled, flailed wildly, and whacked Steve on the shoulder with his flipper.  
"What the heck was that for, you ass?', Danny sputtered, 'What possible reason do you have for spraying us with ice chips, huh?"

Charlie was laughing.  
"That was really cool, Dad', he said, 'Can I go next?"

Danny glared at Steve.  
It wasn't necessary. Steve knew better than to fall into that trap.  
"You'll have to ask your Danno about that, Charlie.", Steve said.

"Awww", Charlie sighed.

Danny gave Steve a grateful smile.  
"One more month, Charlie. Then, your Dad can take you sliding down all the craziest icebergs."

Charlie thought about it for a moment, then nodded.  
"Ok, Danno", he said.

Their attention was drawn away a moment later by a loud whoop from the iceberg, immediately followed by three substantial splashes.

Chin, Kono and Grace swam over to Steve, Danny and Charlie.  
Grace's husband, Will, came out from behind a nearby ice floe with their daughter Max.

Chin clapped Steve on the back.  
"This crazy bird always has the best ideas", Chin said.

Danny rolled his eyes.

Steve looked over at Danny and Charlie, and smiled.

"I don't know about that', Steve said, 'I think these things only work as a team effort, you know?"

Danny smiled.

"To Ohana!", Kono yelled.

"Ohana!", everyone called back.

"Yeah', Chin said, 'I was a bit worried about Steve before you came along, Danny. He kept baiting this leopard seal…"

Steve hurriedly shushed Chin, but the damage had been done.

Danny looked murderous.  
"What.", he said flatly.

(And so, inevitably, we leave our heroes floating in the Northern Atlantic, with the sun slowly dipping into the ocean behind them, and the raucous soundtrack of Danny lovingly tearing Steve a new one.

...And you thought a Hawaiian cop show's tropes wouldn't translate to an AU entirely populated by penguins.)


End file.
